Answers to a Lesbian Questionnaire

A while back, a lesbian youtuber saw my previous post and decided to send me a questionnaire about my dating experiences.  I don’t want to provide her name or link her channel, as there appears to be so much hatred for me, that I don’t want to hurt her channel by associating us together.

After doing a lot more research, it seems I have the answer, and it also seems rather obvious now in retrospect.  The actual reason I do so well with every other group and keep being treated this way by lesbians groups is, most probably, that they just don’t see transgender women as being “real women”.  This doesn’t happen in other groups I attend, which makes perfect sense.  Even more telling is how many comments in the last post were from feminist and lesbians, not addressing anything I actually said, but rather attacking my gender or just posting insults.  Perhaps the reason they get up and leave the table is that I’m  just so horribly disgusting to them that they can’t stand to be around me once I start talking, even for just a few moments.  It does explain why they never approach me, and why I never receive any kind words on my appearance or for coming by.

It’s one of those things where, once understood, I look back, and every interaction now makes perfect sense.  I can’t help but feel it’s a bit ironic that I would get hit on by straight men and treated kindly by them because they find me attractive (and know that I’m trans), and how this contrasts with the treatment received from the very people who argue for inclusion and blame straight white men for being oppressive.  My strategy going forward is to attend regular dating meetups, and hopefully meet women who aren’t lesbian, and therefore hopefully won’t be as hateful and perhaps more accepting of who I am.

I doubt I’ll change anyone’s minds with this post, so this is mostly for me, so I can have it to look back on and recount my experiences in searching for a significant other.  Here are the interview questions I was given, and my answers.


>> 1. What are your preferred pronouns (I usually ask this because some of the Tumblr people want to make sure I’m being all PC) and do you have any names/ alias you would like others to know you by (for example, I also work as a dancer so I have another name other than Flye)


^^^ While I’m transgender, I identify as a woman, not as trans.  Being trans is simply a biological fact.  So my pronouns are she / her.  My full name is Kasey Athena Brown, but I often go by Athena.

>> 2. What’s the best date that you ever went on?


^^^ I’ve only been on a handful of dates over the last few years, despite having numerous dating profiles and routinely attending meetups. But a good date will include having deep talks about our lives, our purpose, the universe, philosophy, ethics, and sometimes relating stories into all of that.

When a girl can talk about the battle between Batman and Joker being allegorical to the comparison of ethical imperatives juxtaposed to utilitarianism, or discuss possible extrapolations of quantum theory that explains the problem of free will – THAT is a fantastic date!  I actually remember one fantastic encounter from a few months ago; I was sitting with a woman, and we got on the topic of whether or not everyone, regardless of their mental status, should be allowed to vote.  She really challenged my view with an effective argument, and I was deeply intrigued by her.  Unfortunately she had an issue with me being trans, so this never went anywhere.  But dates like that would be fantastic.

The worst encounters (which is almost all of them) are when the woman is talking about folding laundry for 3 hours, and trying to ease the discussion over to something just *slightly* more engaging causes them to withdraw and find someone else to talk to.

>> 3. Advice to other women about jumping into the lesbian dating scene?


^^^ I’ve attended probably 40 or so lesbian meetups.  I’ve been around *lots* of lesbians.

So far, only one single time have I ever seen two women show any interest in each other.  Besides that, there’s never any flirting, no one ever shows interest in anyone else, there’s no hand holding, no hugging, touching, kissing, and the discussion is nearly always about the weather, folding laundry, taking the bus to go somewhere, or some other topic of similar caliber that loops back into itself for 2 or 3 hours.  I’ve never seen 2 women holding hands or kissing at these things, and if you didn’t know ahead of time that it was a lesbian meetup, there’s no way you could know by attending.

Lesbians tend to be outstandingly fragile.  Say the wrong thing even once, and they completely withdraw and the conversation is over.  I’ve had times when I accidentally mentioned I’ve traveled overseas and lived in Malaysia – and it was over.  I’m a fitness performance athlete, but any mention of gym training is an instant turn off.  I can’t discuss my work history or my profession, and I’ve actually had women get up and leave the table mid-sentence over that.

As such, I’m not actually aware that there is any “lesbian dating scene”… there are meetups, which you can find on, but lesbians only sit around and talk about the most banal subjects that loop back into themselves over and over until the meetup ends.  They’ll go to these meetups over and over, and it’s never any different.  This lead me for a while to consider whether or not lesbians are asexual, but then I saw your video… and it’s extremely difficult to reconcile my experience on this matter with evidence that women actually do sexual things together.

I would say if you’re going to a lesbian meetup, or a lesbian bar, if you’re accomplished, well traveled, or have any education, then just shut the hell up and don’t mention it.  Also drink plenty of coffee so you can stay awake when you hear a 30 minute story about how someone saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball once.
>> 4. Any experiences in lesbian dating that you want the world to know about? 

^^^ Hm, I’m answering these as I come across them… I guess I mentioned a lot in my last answer.

I can say that by attending these meetups, and learning to keep my mouth shut about where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and sitting through incredibly long discussions, I actually have gotten girls to give me their numbers and follow up with one-on-one dates.  I’ve had this happen twice over the last 3 years.

The first date actually seemed to go quite well… the woman talked a lot about her life and her past relationships.  As we walked away from the Subway where we met up, I thought we had talked enough and made a connection, so I tried reaching over and holding her hand – which she responded to by immediately jerking her hand away.  I tried to ease what just happened by mentioning something about the traffic and letting the conversation go somewhere so that moment passed.  When I got home, she sent an email saying she was actually still interested in someone else, so that was the only date we had.

The other date played out pretty much the same exact way that most meetups go, though with slightly more interesting subject matter talked about.  We went to a Thai restaurant, so I was able to talk at length about how I lived in Malaysia for 4 years and made occasional trips to Thailand.  Besides that and the weather, that’s pretty much what we talked about.  Then she dropped me off and we never went out again.

That’s about the only experiences I’ve had.  I’m still attending meetups and sitting through extremely long talks about nothing, and hoping someone wants to see me again afterwards.  That’s the only way of meeting lesbian women that I know of.  We don’t have any lesbian bars here in Portland, Oregon.

>> 5. What would be your idea first date?


^^^ I would like to be able to have deep, meaningful discussions.  First, I’d like to be able to speak freely about who I am and what I’ve done without the other person getting scared and wanting to leave.  I specialized in biomechancis for 10 years, lived in Malaysia and taught classes on nutrition science, wrote a few books on the subject, then came back to America and switched careers.  I now work in mental health and am trained to work with people in crisis.

^ I’d like to be able to say that without the other person without them leaning back, going quiet, looking at their phone, then finding an excuse to get up and go somewhere else.
But lets say I actually was able to introduce myself and talk comfortably.  The rest of our discussion would naturally be us sharing our thoughts and feelings on different subject matters as they came up.  It’d be great to meet someone who stands for something, believes in something, doesn’t become “triggered” the moment someone disagrees with them, and is able to challenge my view, and maybe even change my mind with a rational argument!  Being able to speak freely and share my thoughts on things without them being scared off almost never happens, but it feels fantastic when it finally does happen.
If we genuinely liked talking together like that, and hearing each other talk about our life experiences, then after a while I would probably start to feel emotionally connected with them.  I’d think of them often and want to share thoughts and ideas with them.  And from there it would gradually become more intense and turn into a relationship.  It’s doubtful at this point that this will ever happen.
6. What drew you to fourth wave feminism and how do you define it? 

[answer removed]


7. Favorite lesbian couple in movies, music, or media in general?


^^^ Haven’t watched TV for 15 or so years, with only a few exceptions along the way.  I may have seen 3 or 4 movies during that time.  I’m generally reading, researching, or working on something.

I’ve tried watching clips of The L Word on youtube, but was unable to determine really what the purpose of the series was supposed to be.  Real lesbians do not act or behave anything like that.  I mean they don’t even hold hands, so for sure they’re not going to be all over each other as they’re sometimes seen in the show.  Was this depicting an imaginary world where lesbians acted totally different than they do here?

But yea, I don’t own a TV, so I don’t know what shows are typically out there of which ones feature lesbians.
8. An Embarrassing/ Worst Dating Experience you’d like to share?
^^^ Well I’ve only had those two I mentioned earlier.  I’ve put tons of research into it, and have started perfecting a way to talk to lesbians without them getting scared and leaving.  Soon I might get more women to agree to see me again personally after the meetup.  So gradually I may go on more dates, and probably it’ll take months more research and trial-and-error to figure out how to get women to actually do something besides talk about a shirt they saw at Macy’s for the entire date and not be scared when something slightly more engaging comes up.
9. Scenario: You take home your dream girl. You offer her a drink at your place and she says yes. What drink would you likely pour for her?

^^^ I’ve never drank alcohol before, and am not partial towards keeping any in my apartment.  I could brew some tea though, as I generally do have tea on hand.  I also have diet 7up.


10. What is your dating ‘fight song’/ the song you play when you’re prepping for a romantic adventure/ pre game/ etc?

^^^ ….. people do that?  This is the first time I’ve heard of it.

Generally though, I like things similar to Chopin… here’s one of my favorite pieces: It’s Frédéric Chopin – Prelude in E-Minor (op.28 no. 4)
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